Saturday, June 20, 2015

Frighteningly Chaotic

As a young child, in elementary school, white noise on the TV scared the crap out of me. Those chaotic pixels dancing around in some morbid display of randomness, that was frightening. I don't know why, but randomness is scary to me. To not know what is coming, to be unsure of myself, and to put my faith in others when I don't know if they will do their job, that's scary. (If you want to know more about randomness in general, watch these two videos:

I guess I'm kind of a control freak over everything, everything needs to be exactly the way I want it, or else I feel like I'm not in control (which I wouldn't be), I would feel rejected, like I'm just some annoying fly buzzing around everyone, and they just disregard the noise. I used to have dreams of absolutely everything, and of nothing. The dreams of nothing, just a blank black background, was soothing, and whenever I had these dreams, I didn't get disturbed by anything in reality. I was calmed by the order of nothing, of something that contained no information. In contrast, the randomness of daily life, whether or not something important will happen, is scary. The mundane nature of life has got me stuck in this rut of wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, practice violin, do chess, eat dinner, go to sleep. The same thing, day in, day out. The thing is, I don't want to be a person that does that for the rest of their life. I want to do something fun, something interesting, something impactful on the world, and I bet that a simple desk job with the same routine until I die won't fulfill this need to leave the world a significantly better place than I left it. Some people might say that to leave the world a better place, you just have to spread happiness and love to others, and that is possible to do no matter your circumstances (unless you're in solitude, in which case, hope you have a good book!), and I agree with those people, but I want to make a mark, to do something awesome, to be the next Elon Musk or Steve Jobs of the world. I want to change the world for the better. I want to be remembered.

I feel as though there is a set path for modern life. You go to school, get good grades, go to a good college or university, get a good job, get married, have kids, retire, and die. And that is a pretty good life, I'm not saying that it isn't. But I don't want to be another brick in the wall, just another person that lived a life and died a death. I feel as though I'm being redundant, but I want to get my point across. I don't want to leave this Earth until I feel as though I have achieved what I feel is the most I can achieve, until I have spread the most happiness and love that I possibly could. And that's why I feel like dying limits us so much. Life is so small, and death is eternal, so we must cherish every last moment, for in the years we live, we will leave 1,000 times that in solitude (probably, I don't really know, and I don't want to be that guy that forces his beliefs on others, but I'm a pessimist, so I think that death is just like an empty dream.... forever), without the ability to interact with others. A lonely, cold world without a thought to be thought. Before I die, I want to do something.

Oh, and by the way, all of you guys are invited to my funeral.